Treasure Hunt ( Descriptive Writing Task in English Language lesson)

Bang!

He shut the door with a bang and struck it with his clenched fist.

Joshua Campbell, a fifteen year old rebellious teenage boy was determined to break the trifling, irritating rules of his life. He went down to kitchen where the floor was full of cluttered beers. Turning around, he glanced at his miserable, grim-faced mother who was holding a green bottle of beer, which she had nearly finished pouring in to her mouth, Joshua gave her a cold, apathetic hand wave. He went out of his petty house which was standing powerlessly between two melancholy concrete monsters. It was like a pitiful orphan child trying to reach the high blue sky when being surrounded by a crowd of insatiable, swinish adults. As he walked out from his home, a cold, forlorn winter breeze lashed his innocent, shivering cheeks. He flapped his uncleaned, grungy cap over his eyes and raised his disobedient jeans every second he walked, as the ragged baggy trousers from thrift shop were going down, obeying the rule of gravity.

Beep, Beep, Beeeeep…

The drivers on the endless San Francisco highway were busy honking their horns like starved pigs begging to receive feed in a crowded pigpen. Joshua, walking soullessly in the middle of downtown, San Francisco, looked up the grey, weeping sky and all of sudden, he ran as fast as he could like a treasure hunter searching for the unknown treasure. He rushed through the pouring rain along the high street of Metropolis. In the street, there were bundles of people holding their phone, staring vacantly at a dazzling LED screen as if they were hypnotized. The atmosphere of the city was welcoming him into a place full of self-interested, egoistic individualism. Every person showed Joshua something that made him full of sympathy.

Kirsten Jefferson was a black orphan who had been left in the corner of a narrow alley which was full of ugly graffiti. Yello gunk covered her weeping eyes as if she was hiding herself from the sorrow. Joshua gazed at her black blue wounded face and asked cautiously, “Where is your mom?” It took a moment until she furtively raised her head and replied giving him an unexpected surprise and said, “What is a mom?”. Abruptly, a mysterious, intense pain choked and punched Joshua’s heart. He held his breath for a while. Tolerating mixtures of unexplained pain, he gave her a warm hug and began his bizarre journey again.

Joshua knelt down to tie up his loosen shoestrings. As he got up, his head, like a firm boulder, bumped against a stranger’s head. Her stiff face full of frigidity was like frozen ice that was about to expand and break an ice tray. Her embellished handbag, decorated with brightly coloured rubies was shining among crowd of people. People turned their heads to stare at her high-class apparel. She was a twenty-seven years old lady called Christina Nelson and was just about to explode with anger like a volcano that is about to erupt. She was calling her mom in a payphone. She was talking in tough, harsh tone of voice towards her mom, Jessy. It was like a leopard growling at a lion. As she yelled at her mom, her tears slide down her cheeks, as numberless as the sand. Joshua stole a glance at her miserable face. He was besieged by the lonesome city air. The extreme coldness and non-stop wind-blown dust choked Joshua’s throat. Shivering in the wind, He walked with the wind at his back, putting his frozen hands inside his pockets.

Joshua walked and walked around the high streets, where lofty buildings were patronizingly putting on airs of elegance. The streetlights were shining bright and clear like the lingering trail shooting stars, while Joshua was cold. The sumptuous signs of major companies were shining like the gleaming star of dawn while Joshua was shivering. Looking back the way he had came, he noticed the relentless wind blowing boisterously. He had nowhere to go. The only place that came up on his mind was his useless, tatty dwelling. He sprinted towards it and as he opened the door, the door made a screeching sound like a rat being caught by a cat. The house was full of darkness and the noise of Rachel snoring upstairs. As he stepped in, dust on the floor covered the sole of his feet. Its empty atmosphere suggested it was sad about the time he had taken to come back home. However, there, in front of his sight, a dim light coming from the window, was spotlighting a lonesome fireplace. He wrapped himself in a wool blanket and stared at the sizzling fire sending up a shower of sparks. The pleasant temperature melted his frozen soul and gave him a gentle embrace. And the treasure hunter said,

“ I have found the treasure!”

Teacher's comment:

'Petty' : Petty is not used to describe a house in English. It tends to be used to imply that something is unimportant or that someone is small-minnded. For a house, you would have to use 'small' or 'miserable'(for example) to suggest that is it limited in size or appearance.

'Fluttering in the wind' : Flutter is used for BUTTERFLIES! He isn't a butterfly :)

28/40 (AO5 level 4 19/24 and AO6 level 3, 9/16)

Although some second- language issues prevent a higher mark, I can see that you have a real talent for language and writing. This is well-structured, language and iamgery are used very well and the narrative framework is successful.

AO6 is using range of vocabularies and sentence structures.